Having a habit of saying yes before you even think about whether you actually want to is a dangerous game.

Sometimes the answer comes so fast that you don’t even realize what you’ve agreed to until later.

Then, once you start thinking about your week’s responsibilities with work, household duties, and parenting your kids, you realize you actually don’t have much free time left.

And now it’s too late because you’ve trapped yourself in another commitment that could have been avoided if you had paused before agreeing to the favor.

I don’t know about you, but that’s exactly where my regret starts.

Not necessarily because the person asked for too much, but because I never paused long enough to ask myself whether I had room for it.

I just said yes.

And if you’re used to being the person who helps and handles things, saying no can feel surprisingly uncomfortable, even when you have a good reason to decline.

Does Saying No Make You Uncomfortable?

If you nodded yes, I think part of the reason is that saying yes can feel like the nice thing to do.

We all love to be praised and liked. We love being known as the helpful friend, parent, or coworker, and saying no can feel like the opposite.

So even when you are tired, already drained, or simply don't want to take on something else, your mind starts looking for a reason why you probably should.

✦ Maybe it will not take that long.

✦ Maybe I can squeeze it in.

✦ Maybe they really need me, and saying no might look horrible.

I know that thought process very well.

And the funny thing is, sometimes we are not even deciding whether we have time.

We are deciding how much inconvenience we are willing to absorb so nobody else has to be disappointed.

Here’s a reminder I would like you to keep in mind:

Just because you can do something does not mean it belongs to you.

I have had to think about this differently.

And don’t get me wrong, at first, it will feel uncomfortable, and you may feel guilty, especially if there is some pushback, which, spoiler alert, there probably will be.

But eventually, the more we do it and see the positive impact of making time for our own needs, the guilt can begin to fade.

Here’s the thing: we women are capable of a lot, no doubt about that.

But the pattern of always staying up late to finish your responsibilities because you dedicated your day’s energy to a task that had nothing to do with you doesn't make you more lovable.

In other words: Just because we can find a way to fit something in doesn't mean we actually had room for it.

Most of the time, making room for an unplanned task means pushing something else aside.

And that something is you.

A Few Things I Do When Someone Asks for Help:

○ Pause Before Responding.

This has probably been one of the most useful changes for me.

Not answering immediately gives me an opportunity to think first.

That sounds so simple, I know, but if your normal response is an automatic yes, even pausing can feel different.

There’s no need to come up with something complicated. A simple:

“Let me check.” Or “I’ll get back to you”

Is more than enough to give me time to look at what I already have going on before I volunteer myself for something else.

Because once I say yes, I usually feel committed.

Then it becomes much harder for me to go back and say, actually, I cannot do this.

So, I would rather give myself a minute before I answer.

And I’ve realized that taking time to decide whether I am available or not does not make me difficult.

○ I ask myself what that yes will cost me.

This is another question I did not ask enough before.

What happens if I say yes?

Not just:

“Can I do it?” But I’ve become very intentional about asking these questions.

✔️ What does doing it actually require?

✔️ Will I be too rushed to do anything else?

✔️ Am I giving away the little free time I have this week?

✔️ Will I be irritated about it later?

Or, most importantly, am I saying yes because I genuinely want to help, or because I don’t want to deal with the discomfort of saying no?

It may seem like doing the most, but I believe it is crucial to answer these questions because they can make or break the decision.

And don’t get me wrong, the goal here isn’t to stop being helpful to my friends and family.

I am a reliable friend, mom, wife, or whatever role I’m in, and I still want the people close to me to know they can count on me when they need me.

But I also do not want every yes to come at my expense. There has to be some balance.

○ Stop overexplaining my decision.

Even when I finally say no, I can feel the urge to explain every reason why.

I cannot do it because work has been crazy, and I have this other thing, and then I have to do this, and I am sorry, and normally I would, but...

I’m sure you understand what I mean here. I can see you nodding your head right now. 🙂

It is almost like I am trying to prove that my no is reasonable enough.

Like if I give enough details, maybe the other person will agree that I am allowed to say no.

So I’ve learned that:

“I can’t do that this week.” Is more than enough.

That does not mean I have to be rude.

It does not mean I cannot explain when I genuinely want to.

But I should not have to build an entire case every time I am unavailable.

○The guilt might still show up.

I wish I could say that once you realize all of this, saying no suddenly feels easy.

It does not always.

Sometimes you say no and still think about it afterward.

Maybe I should have helped.

Maybe I could have made it work.

Maybe they are upset with me.

Maybe I sounded selfish.

And this is probably the part I am still learning the most.

Feeling guilty does not automatically go away just because I am trying to do things differently.

If I am used to making myself available, protecting my time will feel strange at first.

If I am used to being the one who handles things, leaving something for someone else to handle might feel uncomfortable.

I might not be able to keep that guilt from showing up, but I can control whether I act on it.

○Not everything you notice is yours to handle.

This is where saying no gets a little more complicated because sometimes nobody even asks.

You just notice.

Something needs to be done.

Somebody needs to remember it.

Somebody needs to make the call.

Somebody needs to figure out the plan.

And because you saw it, your brain somehow says: “Well, I guess I need to do it.”

I have done this more times than I can count.

So one question I am trying to ask myself more often is: Is this actually mine?

Not whether I can do it, because of course I can.

That is usually the problem.

The better question is whether it actually belongs to me.

Because I do not want to keep confusing being capable with being responsible for everything I notice.

Saying No Doesn’t Make You the Bad Guy

The more I think about it, the word “no” might not even be the hardest part.

The harder part is giving yourself enough time to decide what you really want to say.

Before the automatic yes.

Before you start rearranging your life.

Before you start explaining why you should probably help.

Pause.

Look at what you already have going on. Think about what saying yes will require from you.

Ask yourself whether this is actually yours to take on.

Then answer.

Sometimes the answer will still be yes.

Sometimes it will be no.

But at least it will be your answer. Not the one you gave because guilt answered first. And I think that is the part I am trying to get better at. Not saying no to everyone.

Just making sure I stop leaving myself out of the decision.

Dolly 🤍

Not Competing. Just Becoming.